Scanxiety Emotions
I cannot shake this feeling of uneasiness. Why am I breathing faster? Why are my hands clammy? Why am I irritable? I look in my planner and see my 6-month scans are in a few days. Now it all makes sense. I have a case of scanxiety.
While scanxiety is not an official medical term, it is a term that is universally known in the cancer world. I feel the definition from the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network perfectly captures what practically every cancer patient I know feels when it is time for scans. There is major apprehension a few days or weeks before the scans and then it intensifies once you have the scans and waiting on the results.
According to MDAnderson.org, here are some symptoms of scanxiety:
- Irritability
- Insomnia
- Sadness
- Fear
- Tension
- Agitation
- Stress
- Conflict with loved ones
What those outside the cancer world, our families, and friends, do not understand is how vital scans are for us. Those results can literally be life or death for us. The last thing we want to hear is, “You’ll be fine,” or “Don’t worry.” Those words completely negate our feelings of fear, anger, and anxiety each time we have a scan. Once you have a cancer diagnosis, your life is never, ever the same. Our bodies betrayed us once, so we are plagued with thoughts of a recurrence or metastasis and the memories of when we received our official cancer diagnosis. Those fears are heightened on scan day.
There are ways that our families and friends can support us when the inevitable day of scans come. These are my personal tips that I have given to my friends and family.
- Acknowledge our fear
- Know that we will be irritable prior to the scans
- Just be there for us and with us
- If we temporarily pull away, do not take it personally
Though I am used to getting poked and prodded by nurses and doctors, there is a nervousness that takes hold when I pull into the parking lot and walk into the cancer center. My usual jovial and vocal self becomes quiet, almost timid as I sign in at the front desk. My breath starts to quicken as I change into the exam gown which makes everyone look unflattering.
As I walk into the patient waiting area, I sit down in the section to get the first set of scans. I look around and see women reading books or magazines or scrolling on their phones. Almost no one looks up. It is eerily quiet, freezing, and the air is filled with tension as we wait for our name to be called.
A technologist comes out and says, “Ms. Chase, we are ready for you now.” The moment I walk into the MRI room or the ultrasound room or the diagnostic mammogram room, the tightness in my chest increases, hands begin to shake, and unexpected tears silently fall down my cheeks.
I should be a pro at dealing with scanxiety but the longer I am in the survivorship stage, the more anxious I get waiting for the other shoe to drop. The question that whirls around in my head and many others is will this be the scan that detects cancer again? I know I am not alone in worrying about what the answer will be.
I reached out to the cancer community on Twitter and asked what scanxiety feels like for them. I felt comforted that I am not alone with these feelings of stress, fear, and anxiety. Here are some quotes from a few cancer patients on what scanxiety feels like.
“For me scanxiety is hard to explain but it is remembering all the crap, side effects, surgery, chemo, radiation ALL at once. Everyone around me has no idea the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty every scan has.” – Jennifer
“I have blood labs (but same issue). I normally try to live as normal of a life as possible (which is still not all that normal) but as the tests approach, I am reluctantly and inexorably dragged back into all of the dark places we all fear.” – Jeff
“With early stage, I didn’t get scans. I don’t think I’m unusual in this. As a metastatic patient, scanxiety is crushing, especially when you are deep into lines of treatment and don’t have good choices left should the scan show progression. Not to be overly dramatic, but it is life/death.” – Lori
“I'm like an old Pontiac. You go in for a routine oil change, and you never s know what you'll find. That's scanxiety with Lynch Syndrome.” – Dave
“I’m a pro at staying positive until a few days prior. That’s usually when the doubt coupled with fear creeps in. The internal war between “It’s going to be fine” versus “What if it’s back?” puts a huge pit in my stomach. The mental struggle until I get results is inexplicable.” – Amy
Scans can literally change the trajectory of our lives. Even though I am a 4-year breast cancer survivor, I am constantly aware that status could D change in a heartbeat. The internal thoughts can be like a minefield of “Yes, I will be fine.” and “Oh god, what if they find something?”
So, what can we as patients do to help curb our feelings of scanxiety on the days leading up to scan day and on the actual day? When I looked on multiple cancer sites and personal blogs, I saw the same lists.
- Exercise
- Empower yourself
- Meditate
- Listen to your favorite music
- Lean on friends in the cancer community
While I find it difficult to focus on anything else, these are good suggestions. I definitely lean on the cancer community come scan time. It is only after the scans are done and I have received the results that I can breathe again. I can live another six months until the next scheduled scans where scanxiety will occur all over again.
g-Megan-Claire Chase (Warrior Megsie)
About the author:
Megan-Claire Chase, also known as Warrior Megsie, is a 4-year breast cancer survivor in Atlanta, GA. She is a sought-after influencer and blogger in the Young Adult Cancer community both nationally and internationally. Her blog, Life on the Cancer Train, is about her life post breast cancer (Stage IIA Invasive Lobular) and the struggles of being a young adult cancer patient/survivor while advocating for better treatments and resources. Megan-Claire’s writing is known for being authentic, raw, and informative with a twist of humor. It is also syndicated on Cancer Health Magazine’s website. She’s been a guest blogger for multiple cancer support sites including Lacuna Loft, SHARE Cancer Support, and Humor Beats Cancer. Megan-Claire was featured this year in The New York Times in April and People magazine in June discussing the concerns of receiving cancer treatments during COVID-19. Her cat Nathan (Natey) Edgar is her pride and joy.